The Phantom Blood Tastes like Bittersweet Rebellion
by Kyoukokabosuke
Summary: Mami Tomoe suddenly finds her life upside down, when a handsome, yet devious and mischievous, man suddenly strolls into her life from an alternate universe. He claims that hes traveled far across the multiverse searching for her, who was, originally, the love of his life. However, Mami seems dubious- Are his bizarre claims true? And why did she have to vomit him out of her mouth?
1. Prologue - Magic & Miracles Do Exist!

Twilight draped the cheap apartment complex like a weave that was pretty realistic, and almost looked like natural hair, but not quite, but that's not to say it didn't compliment the girl who was weavin' along.

Mami Tomoe, who had no weave, but who's 'do was righteous enough to be mistaken for one in the dark and in by a certain distance, was climbing along the rickety metal staircase to her room on the third floor. She slipped her key into the lock, and snapped the door open. It creaked as it slid wider. "I ought to fix that," mused Mami.

She sat her book bag against the wall, and kicked off her boots. She walked into the kitchen, and grabbed a box of tea bags from the cabinet. She put some water in the kettle and began to heat it on the stove.

Suddenly, the air around her pulsed. She grabbed the counter to balance herself. Suddenly pain began to rise and bubble throughout her. She rushed over to the sink, and arched her back into it. One of her hands gripping her waist and the other gripping the sink. Then she felt it. It slammed through her throat up and into her mouth.

"BLOARAOAOAROAIROASDOSAROAOOAOAOROOOOARGHARAOUSDFAASAAAAAHOASFUASDGASASFASDFASJDHGHFFCKJCMKXCAXSJABKSJDGAJSSDBGADHVAOUAOIDUGAOUUOAUOAUOAUOUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAUDFAISOFSUDAUAOUFIAOUOAFUAOUVOABLUUUUUUUAUUAUAUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAORGH"

Blackish-greenish fluid oozed out of her mouth like a magiccal endless fountain, with no end in sight. Her stomach ceased to be, replaced by a funnel of pain and agony and torment.

"BLOOAOAHRSABFHALSHNFACHXBCNMXVCZ,NJASKLHFDJGHCKHJSDHAJGHSDAFHLKHFKJZDHHAKFHALSHFALSAAAAAOUUOUAOAUOUAUOAUOUOEUOAUEOAUOEUAOEUN"

And suddenly, like a dam had been erected in her throat, the vomit ceased.

BUT SO DID HER BREATHING !

She scrambled into the sink and made sad sick hoarse breathing noises trying to force whatever it was out. She could feel the vomit bubbling and building behind the dam, but she couldn't force it out, until, something suddenly shifted. She felt whatever the dam was shift it's position in her throat, and vomit began to stream once more. The spew began to cease a little, and that's when something peculiar caught Mami's attention.

In the sink, there was a single hairball.

Mami's fists began to clench. She knew what she had to do. She thrust her hand into her throat, and grabbed the tuft of hair she suspected to be locked in her throat. She yanked, and could feel the small animal come out of her mouth. Her jaws began to dislodge, and she shut her eyes to drown away the pain.

Her jaws made a finally crackling snapping noise, and the animal oozed out. Mami tossed it into the sink, and nearly buckled right there, but she gathered her strength, do demand why the creature laying in the sink had been in her mouth "Kyuubey! What... are you doing?" She whispered hoarsely.

He lifted a leg, his head resting on his wrist, lounging in a position caricaturing that of a hedonistic greek god. He opened his mouth, and his suave voice droned out, "What do you think I'm doing here, Mami-chan?"

"Kyuubey... ...what... ...are you up to?"

Kyuubey thrust his pelvis outward, and winked seductively, "You're making a mistake, Mami-chan." He lifted his free hand to his face. "It's not Kyuubey you're talking to." He removed the mask, and licked his lips. "IT'S ME DIO."

And that's when Mami's legs finally gave out.


	2. Muv Luv Alternative

When Mami awoke, she was already in her bed, in her nightgown. A wet rag was placed upon her forehead. She gave and deep sigh, and tried to conjure up some memory in her head, of what happened after she got home from school. For some reason, she had a splitting headache, and her jaw ached sorely.

"Hey babe."

A deep, sexy, suave, incredible voice shook her from her thoughts. "How you be doing, baby? You be feeling okay?"

Mami's eyes went wide, and suddenly she remembered. "Who are you?! Why were you in my mouth?! How did you grow so huge?! What is even happening?"

The man's mouth grew wide, and an audible (Read: LOUD) gasp grew from his lips. He twisted his head away from her, and tossed his right hand into his golden locks. He left hand shot threw his legs, and began to lightly grope his own ass. "Baay-beeeeee, please, please, don't tell me that you-" His head tilted towards her, "-that you don't remember me, Dio, your honey-boogy-bumbly-booby-bear?"

At this point, Mami gave up on life. She groaned loudly, and lifted her wrist to her head. "That answered none of my questions, at all, whatsoever. And, no, I don't know you, so it stands to reason that I don't remember you."

Dio's whole body jolted into another pose, his eyes and mouth wide. His hands flew up to his cheeks, a slapping noise echoing through the room. "Dang, I freaking fudged up again, goshdarnit! I'm not good at this hero stuff! Okay, okay, I, well, have a long story that you may not believe in, but you got to! Long ago... I was once a villain!"

"Yes, that is 100% believable. You broke into my house, dislocated my jaw, and undressed me while I was unconscious."

"No, no, I was freaking evil! Conquering countries, obstructing justice, corrupting innocents, destroying lives, creating an evil undead army! I was /evil/!" He emphatically raised his hand into the air.

"This too is completely believable."

"Tch! Anyway, I was about to engage in the act of vanquishing my hated enemy, Jonathing Joestar! I had dragged myself back to life to enact my revenge upon him in a thrilling battle aboard a boat, when suddenly, you, you, Mami Tomoe, were there! You cried out "Make love, not war!" ...you changed me, my love. From that moment onward, me and Jojo were the best of friends, who made love, not war! And you, my dear, became my lovely bride!"

"No I didn't."

"Yes! You did! However- Tragedy, oh, god, tragedy struck! You passed, due to great illness!

"I did what now?"

"You contracted the great illness, and passed away!"

"Then how am I here?"

"I... I made a contract with a witch."

_"What?!"_


	3. Equivalent Exchange

(Author's Notes: Oh my god I cannot believe I'm doing this christ there is something wrong with me man oh man.)

When Mami awoke, she was in the same dang place she was last chapter.

"Girl you keep fainting, you okay? Like, you have fainted more than a normal human being typically faints in a lifetime, in just one day." Dio's plump luscious lips contorted with concern.

"Well maybe if someone would just stop freaking coming out of my throat, I'd be a little bit less inclined to fainting." Mami stared daggers at Dio, but then the daggers got a little too close, and accidentally chopped off his hand, which crawled away through a mouse-hole.

"Ow," Dio said, growing a new hand. Mami muttered a faint "Sorry."

"Shall I continue with my story?" Dio asked.

"I still don't get how you made a deal with a witch... That's like, impossible? I mean, like, they don't talk, I'm not even sure they're intelligent, they're more forces of nature than life-forms."

"Ah, so in this world, that's what a witch is! In my Fragment-"

"No. No, please, we're not doing this-"

Dio continued, despite Mami's protests. "In my Fragment, witches are incredible beings with supernatural powers! My dealings with the witches began when I attempted Human Transmutation on your disgusting decaying-

"Nooooo, nooooo, we're not, we are literally not, going there, please-"

"However, when I had completed the transmutation, I found a horrible monstrosity in your stead, and my limbs had been taken from me! Jojo was the one to find me, and he was heart-broken... 'OH NO,' cried, 'OH NO!'"

"That's the wrong Jojo even I know that you frigger-fraggling turd-burglar."

"And that's when the Great Lambdadelta-chan-sama found me!"

Mami let out a moan, "Nooo stop literally like please like stooooop. This is too much for one crossover fic to even do-"

"DON'T BREAK THE 4TH WALL YOU IGNORANT BROKEN WENCH. Now, as I was saying, Lambdadelta-chan-sama brought me to this world, and, Mami, this is where it gets heavy... You and I must exchange True Love's Kiss within 35 chapters, or else this whole world will collapse!"

"Noooooo. Look at yourself, man, you look like a freaking comic excerpt from an 80s' magazine for homosexual men's fashion."

"But za warudo!"

"But your cheekbones."

Dio stood up, and glared at Mami. Mami glared back. They continued to glare for several minutes, when the sun went down, and became too dark to glare at each other without the possibility of damaging either's eyesight, so Dio got up and turned the light switch on, and went over to shut the blinds. Then, he returned next to Mami's (Bed)Stand, and continued glaring at her. Eventually, it was around 9:00 PM, which was the only time that Mami could get a healthy amount of sleep before waking up the next morning, so Dio stopped glaring at her, turned off the lights, and left her room. He then sat on the couch and watched soccer, while helping himself to Mami's wholegrain Pringles. Eventually, he realized he had eaten all of the Pringles without realizing, and, being the totally-not-a-villain-good-guy that he is, left to go to the nearest convenience store to purchase some new ones before they all closed for the night. It was already 10, so he was worried he wouldn't find any, but, luckily, a nearby Bosco's was still open, so he went to find some. Unfortunately, they didn't have the Whole-Grain kind, so he settled for a tin of Sour Cream. It was larger than the one at Mami's house, but it was the only size the store had, so he chose it anyway. He also grabbed a bottle of Banana Milk, because it's actually kind of hard to find, and went to the Register. The man at the Register, who spoke with a terrible mock-russian accent, told him the total was 11.97$, but Dio only had a 20$ bill, and so used that to pay. He then returned to Mami's house, put the new Pringles in the cupboard, and the milk in the fridge, and then went to sleep on Mami's couch.

In the morning, after Mami had woken up, she got dressed, and went into the living room. Dio was already awake, so they glared at each other until it was time for Mami to go to school.


End file.
